estaferallah

i am the one who is at fault here.
i am the one who has refused to surrender.

it is i.  i.
i am the one who has been terrified.

terrified of love,
of being loved, and of loving.  i.

i am the one pushing you away
as hard as i can push. i.

i am the one
stopping your heart from living inside me

over and over and over again
i. i. i.

i am the one saying ‘but you have to earn it’
i. i. i.

but what does that i-game
have to do with love?

what does that i-game
have to do with love?

and who is writing these words?
who is writing these words now?

who’s voice is this?
it cannot be i.

i would never admit these things

i is clever and right
i is brilliant and in control

i has all the answers
so how can this be i writing?

none of this is rational
none of this makes any sense

and yet these feet are buzzing with life
and this heart is soft and full and open

and these tears are real
and this body feels

 

embracing-elders001

 

so alive
so what?

so what is God asking then?
what is God asking?  just to love

and to hell with what i thinks?
just to take all the blame

and accept completely?
it seems God is asking just that, yes.

it seems God is asking just that.
because if i was deep enough

 

if i was deep enough
with Love,
would i touch you

and disappear
completely

would we touch
and disappear

completely…

 

embraces-poly001

 would all fear vanish
would all fear vanish

would all fear vanish
would fear vanish

all fear would…


–Murshida VA


Annihilation and Kisses

Many years ago, I shared a kiss with a man who is one of my soul mates in this life.  A force opened up which moved through us connecting Heaven and Earth.  It poured down from Heaven through his body and rose up from the Earth through mine, sealing us together with electromagnetism so powerful that we both heard the roar of the Nada Brahma, the original, “unstruck sound” upon which Creation rests.

Due to the circumstances of our lives, there was no place to take this, so we let it go.  I wrote poetry.  He took comfort from my writings, and eventually, the balm of time did its magic work of helping the experience to fade from memory…  until a few weeks ago when once again my breath and the breath of a soul mate entwined, and now all those memories are crashing back.

kiss.001

 

 I find myself asking if Free Will exists.

And I find myself yearning, not for the human being who held me, but for the Infinite force which embraced me through him.  I find myself wondering if it is not the flesh and blood man whom I love, but rather the transcendent power of Love itself.

For the human being who is the vessel for the Beloved this time is often clueless or in denial.  He runs about trying to label the experience.  He says he has never before felt ‘not in control of [his] own body’.  It terrifies him.   He feels almost usurped by forces he cannot explain.   He claims Love is utmost in his life and that he has been in Love more than once, but in truth, he has never before experienced what it is to have Love reside within him so completely that his ideas of who he is are first dwarfed and then annihilated.  So he runs away.  He stands me up, leaving me alone yearning in the dark.  If I am upset, instead of hearing me with a compassionate heart, he becomes defensive, thinking, “What is so wrong with me?”  so he loses his temper and barks like a mindless dog, saying things to hurt me, saying he loves other people more than me.  And on a good day, he simply makes a million excuses to prove he will test my patience, cause harm,  and persistently be unworthy.

And I have seen all this before, so what can I possibly say?  Big Love is terrifying.  It shows us all our darkness, all our pettiness, all our inadequacy, every growing edge we have.  We glorify Love, idealize it, romanticize it, but really most of us prefer the vague empty isolation of safety to the formless void of annihilation and the utter powerlessness of real surrender. To love requires tremendous courage and if one genuinely persists in the practice of loving, one will unfold into fearlessness.  This is the Path to Liberation.  It is.

Most human beings are quite willing to settle for an imitation.

So if I see all this, how can it be that I love this man with all his shortcomings, fears, ego control strategies and pockets of immaturity who runs from what I know is the only Real Reality? I cannot possibly love him, eh?  Why would I?  And yet I do.   With all my heart and soul.   And when he runs away or hides, every edge I have still to polish, every rough, unfinished place inside my soul is brought to light and I, too, am childish, immature, fearful, struggling for control.  I, too, am far less than worthy.

But when we touch,  we melt.  We disappear…  We vanish. And in these incredible moments of magic, gazing back at me through the eyes of this human being are thousands of lifetimes, eons, of recognition… Infinite Love… Eternity.

The why and how of who Love chooses is an eternal mystery.  If it were solved, that solution would most probably deprive life of much of it’s magic.  For, certainly, we Love beyond reason, and that is exactly what stretches us in ways we would never consider stretching if Love were not burning us with its fire, torturing us with its yearning and seducing us with its warm, deep ecstasies.   That is what Love does to us– it drives us toward Life.

We like to believe we choose Love, but that is all the greatest hubris.   Love chooses us.  And ultimately, Love does not choose to make us comfortable, it chooses to destroy our limitations and liberate us from the prisons of the mind, to do whatever it takes to awaken us to its own ineluctable Reality.

Fierce and Tender Love,
Murshida VA

__________________________
Credits: Image

Sacrament

Sacramental Sex


is the only kind
that interests me

let my body
be the temple
where you worship
even if God is dead for you
surely you can see
*
*
sacrament-buddism-tantra
*
*

I AM ALIVE

 

the pulse beats in my neck,
“I am alive, I am alive.”

the quickening breath speaks,
“I am alive, I am alive.”

the deepening voice
cries out for communion

hands pressed together
knees bending
hips rocking

 

you
into

 

the rhythm of life…

and the river of life
flows down
through my body

 

onto
you

 

and as you are anointed
does it stir your soul…

there is one true path
where you meet yourself
there is destiny

 

can
you

 

feel yourself
reaching yourself
through my body

hands reaching through flesh
to the soul’s home

can you feel
in your own passion

for rhythm and beauty
and movement and pleasure

it is Life you love, Life–

 

Life!

 

 

look through my passion dance
into your own

for We are One

One Light, One Heat,
One Breath Eternal

for
God

so loved the World
so loved the World
so loved the World…

the World is my Body
look you through my Body
to your Soul.

 

Murshida VA

________________________________________________________________

It Was the Right Place to Come

you came here asking for help
it was the right place to come.

now the pot is boiling and you want to get out
but there is no getting out because there is nothing that is not the pot.

you think there is a place to hide
but it is already over
it is already over.

you will see…

the Truth of who you are will stalk you into every night
it will follow you…

God takes all bets and wins.

so go ahead, do whatever you want.
It’s already over.

turning back from what?  turning back from where?

the Truth of who you are is stalking you.
the Truth of who you are will grab your sweet ass
throw you down
break you open
and smash your heart so wide that it bursts into a billion trillion stars

La illaha il Allah haqq

and then there will be only
joy
only
bliss
only beauty

and you and I, we will laugh together again, then, my friend.
we will laugh and play and sing together again.
like children.

—-

in Loving Kindness,

–Murshida VA

Three People Dancing

It was a menage a trois.

You stood in your impenetrable reserve, silently watching,
while he stepped onto the dance floor…
and gave passion somewhere to go.

and he knew where to take it

so we burned up the floor, he and i,
while you stood, still, slowly sautéing
in your impressively impeccable indifference.

and we burned up the floor, he and I,                         until you walked away…
then it ended.

No more dancing then.
Not because we needed rest, he and I,
but because, really, his desire to dance

was responding,  somehow,
to you and me,
and the magnetism between us…

wasn’t it?

Ahhh, yes…  it was.

And I adore him, of course, I do, and I adore you too.
And the root of passion that night,
where was it?

Was it with you?
Yes.  It was with you.
Yes.  With you.

And perhaps so was his…

I have no idea.
I have no idea what floats his boat
could be anything…

after all, when you walked away
he stopped dancing…

didn’t he?

Yes… he did. Yes.  He did.
Yes.  He did.

So how could I know anything?

All I know is the dance

which, for a moment,
was more
deeply satisfying

than making wild naked love with most people.

And, of course,
sex is so far beyond, so far beyond
what most people even consider real

that no one
noticed our little menage…
no one at all…

even though we were
the only

three people dancing.

 

 

Murshida VA

The Main Course

you think i want you for my lover?

that would be nice, don’t get me wrong, that would be… nice.

but really i would only be softening you up
for the main course
i would only be marinating you to be served at God’s table.

you see, i want your freedom
more than anything
more than your hands on my body
more than your breath inside me
more than your warm, deep kisses

you thought you could come to Kali’s house
and play with fire
without getting burned up
on the cremation grounds?

what were you thinking?

the Mother is dancing, naked, laughing,
bathed in ashes, grieving your death
while you are still here breathing.

She is celebrating your death,
while you are still clinging desperately
to all your ideas of who you are.

and you still think I want you for my lover.

Stupid! I want to mesmerize you with bliss
until you drop your guard for just a moment
until you slip for just a moment
into surrender

into surrender
for just a moment

and then I’ll pour what’s left of you
into God’s mouth
like the finest red wine
to wash down the meal

and you and God will be so happy then
like two lovers after hours and hours of love
punctuated by a perfect feast
prepared by the Chefs of Heaven
with warm tummys

resting entwined
engulfed devoured
happily exhausted

breathing together
like the waves
of the ocean

yes, you and God will be so happy then
that it will not matter what I did to get you there
you’ll forgive me,

laughing and crying all at once
for how I tricked you

you’ll forgive me for tricking you
into believing
i was just a woman who wanted you
for my lover

and you’ll know it’s true then–
i could never only want that
i could never only want that

because once you see
once you know
once you feel the bliss of God

you’ll know, that really,
all this human lovemaking is just…
well… it’s just for practice.

–Murshida VA


————————–

Notes:

It is partly correct to say Kali is a goddess of death but She brings the death of the ego as the illusory self-centered view of reality…  Of all the forms of Devi, She is the most compassionate because She provides liberation to Her children. She is the counterpart of Shiva the destroyer. They are the destroyers of unreality. The ego sees Mother Kali and trembles with fear because the ego sees in Her its own eventual demise. A person who is attached to his or her ego will not be receptive to Mother Kali and she will appear in a fearsome form. A mature soul who engages in spiritual practice to remove the illusion of the ego sees Mother Kali as very sweet, affectionate, and overflowing with incomprehensible love for Her children.   –from: http://www.goddess.ws/kali.html

On Beauty and the Onset of Pain

Yesterday, I had an opportunity to speak with the lovely young woman with the awakened heart who is the subject of my recent blogs, https://murshidava.wordpress.com/2010/03/12/earth-offerings/ and https://murshidava.wordpress.com/2010/03/12/god-in-the-heart/


She spoke with me about her experience reading Earth Offerings.  She told me that when she first read the blog, it was so poetic, that she immediately and rather automatically recoiled into an unexpected cynicism, denying, for a moment, the validity and depth of her own experience.

Recovering from this state, she realized how human her response was and spent the night pondering this phenomena which she called, “a deeply cynical denial and invalidation of what is most beautiful to us.”

What emerged from our dialogue was an awareness of the difficulty we human beings have loving ourselves and how that stops us from loving life, and one another, completely.  If we think and believe, “Oh, I could not possibly be that beautiful, my life could not possibly be that beautiful, the mind will create a trap to stop the flow of beauty through the heart.

I asked her why she thought people do this.  Her answer: “I think people reject what is most beautiful to them because they are afraid of the pain of losing it… because it will hurt more to lose this, it will hurt more to lose so much beauty.”

So, yes, much truth here.  Impermanence is inescapable.

Truly masterful non-attachment is the ability to feel everything, completely, to be completely alive, and to allow all that which moves through us to just keep on moving through us.  It is to neither cling nor reject while at the same time feeling everything.

The Path we are walking is through experience, through life and the body, with awareness.  To stand in ourselves fully and burn from the inside out with passionate love or ache with grief or shimmer or tremble as fear travels by, to feel the spirit gradually lift and lighten as guilt is removed from the crevasses of the heart, all of this is… life.

When we fear feeling, we begin to construct limitations with our minds that inhibit the full spectrum of our experience and we get ‘stuck’ in clogged corners of ourselves, while the rest of  us is left screaming, “Hey, wait, I’m in here, see me, feel me– wait!!!”

But the Voices of Reason, guarding the door, just calmly shush us, rationalizing our outcries.

The Cynic waves her hand and says, “None of this is even real,” relegating huge parts of the soul to the realms of Shadow where the pressure continues to build and build, toward inevitable breakdown or explosion.

Often, in this condition, we begin to feel persistently trapped as if we must escape from our lives to save our own lives, and so we run from one commitment to another, or one place to another, but in escaping we only bring the clogged stuck mess inside us along wherever we go, wondering why nothing ever really seems to change.

My beautiful young friend caught herself in the stuck place and wiggled free.  Now she is feeling all of life, including the trajedy of our own humanity resisting it.