Many years ago, I shared a kiss with a man who is one of my soul mates in this life. A force opened up which moved through us connecting Heaven and Earth. It poured down from Heaven through his body and rose up from the Earth through mine, sealing us together with electromagnetism so powerful that we both heard the roar of the Nada Brahma, the original, “unstruck sound” upon which Creation rests.
Due to the circumstances of our lives, there was no place to take this, so we let it go. I wrote poetry. He took comfort from my writings, and eventually, the balm of time did its magic work of helping the experience to fade from memory… until a few weeks ago when once again my breath and the breath of a soul mate entwined, and now all those memories are crashing back.
I find myself asking if Free Will exists.
And I find myself yearning, not for the human being who held me, but for the Infinite force which embraced me through him. I find myself wondering if it is not the flesh and blood man whom I love, but rather the transcendent power of Love itself.
For the human being who is the vessel for the Beloved this time is often clueless or in denial. He runs about trying to label the experience. He says he has never before felt ‘not in control of [his] own body’. It terrifies him. He feels almost usurped by forces he cannot explain. He claims Love is utmost in his life and that he has been in Love more than once, but in truth, he has never before experienced what it is to have Love reside within him so completely that his ideas of who he is are first dwarfed and then annihilated. So he runs away. He stands me up, leaving me alone yearning in the dark. If I am upset, instead of hearing me with a compassionate heart, he becomes defensive, thinking, “What is so wrong with me?” so he loses his temper and barks like a mindless dog, saying things to hurt me, saying he loves other people more than me. And on a good day, he simply makes a million excuses to prove he will test my patience, cause harm, and persistently be unworthy.
And I have seen all this before, so what can I possibly say? Big Love is terrifying. It shows us all our darkness, all our pettiness, all our inadequacy, every growing edge we have. We glorify Love, idealize it, romanticize it, but really most of us prefer the vague empty isolation of safety to the formless void of annihilation and the utter powerlessness of real surrender. To love requires tremendous courage and if one genuinely persists in the practice of loving, one will unfold into fearlessness. This is the Path to Liberation. It is.
Most human beings are quite willing to settle for an imitation.
So if I see all this, how can it be that I love this man with all his shortcomings, fears, ego control strategies and pockets of immaturity who runs from what I know is the only Real Reality? I cannot possibly love him, eh? Why would I? And yet I do. With all my heart and soul. And when he runs away or hides, every edge I have still to polish, every rough, unfinished place inside my soul is brought to light and I, too, am childish, immature, fearful, struggling for control. I, too, am far less than worthy.
But when we touch, we melt. We disappear… We vanish. And in these incredible moments of magic, gazing back at me through the eyes of this human being are thousands of lifetimes, eons, of recognition… Infinite Love… Eternity.
The why and how of who Love chooses is an eternal mystery. If it were solved, that solution would most probably deprive life of much of it’s magic. For, certainly, we Love beyond reason, and that is exactly what stretches us in ways we would never consider stretching if Love were not burning us with its fire, torturing us with its yearning and seducing us with its warm, deep ecstasies. That is what Love does to us– it drives us toward Life.
We like to believe we choose Love, but that is all the greatest hubris. Love chooses us. And ultimately, Love does not choose to make us comfortable, it chooses to destroy our limitations and liberate us from the prisons of the mind, to do whatever it takes to awaken us to its own ineluctable Reality.
Fierce and Tender Love,